My last post of 2011

Well here it is, December 27th.  My last post for the year. I will use this as a holiday card, sort of, and get everyone up to speed on the comings and goings of my life over the last months as well as reflections on this last decade as a whole. Good, bad, ugly.  Blessings, struggles.  Trials, tribulations.  It is quite true that the older one gets the more quickly time flies.  I'm not quite sure how I got to the end of the year so fast, but I will tell you - again - that I am very glad I did (get to the end of the year).

My cancer continues to be in remission.  I am still, everyday, amazed that it has been nearly 10 years since I heard those words, "you have cancer", and there wasn't much that was terribly optimistic about surviving this long.  I don't know how I actually have "made it" this long, but the things I have seen and done since those words were spoken have led me in many directions I would not have otherwise pursued.  I have sometimes given up, sometimes taken chances, and have also looked at the glass as half full as well.  I believe that I cannot be described as an optimist, nor a pessimist, nor a realist.  I got a really great quote from a friend of mine that does sum things up for me though.  Mary shared this with me from William Arthur Ward: "The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; and the realist adjusts the sails".  I am some of all of those (or a SUM of all of those).

I have a new baby grandson.  He is a lucky little guy.  Things could have gone so horribly wrong for him and his parents.  But with the grace of God, he is here, healthy, and beautiful.  His extended family feels so blessed.  I can look at him for hours and think two things:  either I shouldn't have been here, or he shouldn't have been here, but here we are - two lucky ships in that "sea of dew", from Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

"
Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
   And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
   Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
   Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
   As you rock in the misty sea,
   Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
                     Wynken,
                     Blynken,
                     And Nod. "

His little eyes will hold me to him forever.

I have been able to cross my fingers about other, emerging questions - and I hold out hope...much more than I had a year ago.  I am old enough now to know that nothing much is really forever, and that both people and circumstances change, for good and not so much...and I also know that because of these changes, we can't (as a human race) remain static.  For me at least functioning in a dynamic world is the way I have discovered I am happiest.  I have - and continue to learn - about what I can affect and what I can't and to "not sweat the small stuff".  Thing is, what has become "small stuff" for me, probably isn't for other age groups.  I worry less about finding a job, wondering about the future for my children (although that one never REALLY goes away), or what my waist line will look like.  I. am. content.

I continue to enjoy my Facebook connections with people I have known for decades.  You know, those people that you really don't need to explain your history to, because they lived it with you?  I like my childhood friends, the friends I developed as we raised our children together, and relatives that have been, "long lost".  I am grateful for each of these relationships, and I am warmed by memories when I am in contact with any of them.  That is one of the joys of aging...less drama.

My animals continue to be one of the centers of my life.  Abby and Topaz, my yellow labs, Kala, Jane, and Jigs, my cats, and Roman, my bird enrich my life.

Lastly, my husband Bob, is something.  He puts up with my eccentricities (I am not sure how) and I put up with his (I am not sure how).  We are a marvelous match of weird and geeky.  I wouldn't be alive without him so I quite literally owe him my life. 

Thanks to all of you for being who you are.  Each of you is important to me.  I can't quite imagine my life without the knowledge that I know someone like you.  Some of you make me laugh, some of you ground me, some of you give me memories.  All of that is important to me.  I appreciate every single one of you.

Blessings to each of you in 2012.  I wonder if I'll keep writing?  I should.  I always feel like I have accomplished something after I take the time to do so.

Blessings to all...

Ane

What happened to 2011

It is now seriously into October.  All the resolutions made in January - have they happened?  My resolution to be a regular blog writer was a fail.  I have gained a lot personally from the time I spent writing and thinking, but I have wasted more than my fair share of time as well.

It is still refreshing to think that, as I am heading (too) quickly toward yet another decade, I can still love learning and take great pleasure in doing just that.  I have started many projects this year, few of which have really stuck with me.  Still I look upon all of it as life experiences and know that with my personality, I will continue to change it up as time moves on.

Some of the things I have done this year are:

 I redeveloped my interest in scrapbooking and card making.  Sadly, I think that is one thing that no matter how many times I try to like it, I am just "not that into it".  I have good intentions but - well - I don't think it is my thing.  I have crocheted....hmmm, it is fine, but I think my Grandmother Venrick would be seriously rolling her eyes at me.

I started going through a lifetime of stored memories in our basement and warehouse.  I have things from my parents, from my brother, and from my children.  I have found that the memories I have left of Kate and Casey are just too hard to part with.  I seem to be able to get through RJ and Jessie's things and make lovely memory boxes for them.  Parting with the other things will have to be left for someone else to do.  We have too much "stuff" and I want to get through all of it if I can.  Our warehouse is becoming too cool to work in as fall marches on, so for the winter I will take my project back to the basement.  Why is it harder to part with things that belonged to people who are no longer with us?

I have taken up an interest in geneaology.  I have a long way to go, but I have learned that I have grandfathers that fought in the Civil War on both the Confederate and Union sides.  It is pretty darn interesting.  As I move further back into the generations, it obviously becomes more and more confusing.  I can spend a half a day on one clue for one person and still not be sure if I'm right.  This kind of thing suits my general propensity for loving research.  If I had to do it all over again, I probably should have chosen a career in something to do with research.  It fits my propensity to like both being alone and liking to learn new things.  I have found the odd newspaper article here and there that talks about things my grandfathers did and how they got from one state (Pennsylvania) to another (Ohio).  That is fun as well.  My brother always used to tell me that the answers to our questions are out there somewhere, you just need to know what to ask and where to look...sounds like research to me.

Before the end of the month my next project will be learning further skills with a Desktop Publishing program.  I guess that isn't really a necessary skill for me, but it will be something fun to do...kind of like when I started my learn to speak Danish kick through Rosetta Stone.  That didn't last either.

Oh, Scrabble online is something new I have been doing.  I always thought I was a better player than I am.  When I see the way some people play, I am blown away by their word skills and creativity at properly using the scrabble board.  Still, it is fun and it helps keep my mind sharp.

My husband has developed some health problems that we hope can be fixed with a rather major surgery.  That will be coming up in late October.  We have spent since 2002 dealing with my ill health and now that I finally seem to be in a good place with that, it's hard on both of us that it is now his turn.  For better or worse, in sickness and in health isn't always the easiest - but we are comitted to one another and helping each other get to the best health place we can.  Hopefully he will be fixed up and we might even have a chance to travel some and just enjoy "being" and not really "doing" for a change.

As always, my animals are my everything.  A couple of them are getting old and we need to begin thinking what life will look like without them.  It is something that  is hard to do.

So what is really constant in this life of mine that I tend to change up all the time?  Family.  My kids are black and white, night and day, up and down.  It doesn't matter that they are different from one another.  It matters that they have the feeling that they can be adults in their own right, knowing that with their choices come consequences.  I want each of them to find something they love to do and do it to the best of their ability.  Neither of them need to think they need to be what I want them to be.  I do want them to feel  their own responsibility to society and their families.  I love them both, in spite of their incredible differences.  It still amazes me that children born of the same parents can turn out so differently.  My soapbox stand is that different isn't bad...it is just....different.  Let each of my children embrace their own uniqueness as well as respect each others.   

So as I close this blog, laying on my bed with my laptop, two dogs and three cats sharing my space and keeping me warm on this crisp fall afternoon, I urge each of you to think back to the beginning of the year, think about what you THOUGHT you might do or learn and compare it to what you ACTUALLY HAVE done.  Maybe you are track - maybe you aren't.  I say it doesn't matter.  I think it is all good.  What you actually did do likely gave you a different perspective on life and kept your brain busy in ways you didn't imagine 10 months ago.  We all change our ideas and that is what makes the world go 'round.  And..after all, 2012 is just around the corner.  It will be time to make new resolutions once again!

Blessings,

Ane

The Circle of Life

Yes, the title is reminiscent of the Disney movie, "The Lion King".  It has been so long since I have put my thoughts down on paper (virtually anyway) and so many things have happened to me as well as around me, that it really has been a microcosm of the very biggest picture of all, which is life in general.  If all that doesn't sound sufficiently vague to you then you have a deeper insight than I do.

I have written before about beginnings and endings and that subject does occupy a large portion of my mind.  I am constantly amazed how nearly everything we think, act on, happens to us, or happens to those near us, begins and ends.

I saw my primary medical oncologist who is in Philadelphia in early June.  One year after my cancer had shown up for the third time is once again tucked away.  Will it come back?  Probably.  But for now it represents yet another good ending to beginnings that have been hard to live with.  It is good news indeed and I feel so much better now that I do not have to take the nasty chemotherapy medications that I was on for the last 12 months.  I have been given another chance at life again and I am grateful and plan on "making hay while the sun shines".

June was fabulous in another way.  On June 27th I was able to welcome the birth of my second grandchild, Jett Richard, to our family.  He joins his 2 year old brother Colt Robert and as he begins life with his parents and brother, Colt's life as an only child has ended.  In my opinion Jett is one lucky little boy to be able to join the family he is in - but no luckier than his parents are to have him.  RJ and Mariah are the perfect people to parent two boys and I am confident that as the children continue to grow in their own life circles they will come to realize what a great environment they have been given.  Richard was my father's name and I feel extremely honored that they chose to give little Jett this name.  It is a legacy that is not lost on me.

July.  What a month.  A month that I rarely look forward to although there are bright spots.  3 of my children began life in the month of July.  2 of those lives ended too early.  Kate and Casey were both July babies.  Although they have been gone from this earth for a long time, they always occupy a piece of my heart.  When my life here on earth ends I know I will be reunited with them and that will be a happy day.  It is one reason that I have no fear of death.  My nephew Logan lost his life at the age of 18 on July 16th, Kate's birthday, and was buried on July 23rd, Casey's birthday.  He has been gone too long as well.  Some of my treasures have been laid up in heaven and it will be a day to rejoice when I see them again.  I miss them just as much as I love having RJ and Jessie here.  Blessings in two worlds; for me it's the best way to look at the situation.  Other beginnings happened in this life though that are still reasons to celebrate.  Jessie was born in July.  So were my daughter-in-law and my husband Bob.  When you add to that the fact that one of my nieces was born in July, it makes for a busy month.  I am blessed by each one of them and they add richly to my life.  Beginning and ending memories, all in 31 days.

I was moved to write this piece today because of news I received yesterday afternoon about some good family friends.  As Jessie was growing up, the Olson's were her second family.  Heidi and Jessie were inseparable for years.  They (the Olson family) have had to begin a grieving process that is the result of the tragic death of two of their nephews.  The boys were first cousins, both in their teens, and died as a result of a car accident on July 4th.  I am deeply moved by this premature ending of two lives probably because I understand what two sets of parents as well as extended family must now learn to live with.  My heart breaks for them and although I understand that nobody can "make this better" for them, it is a helpless feeling to wish you could help and know that you can't.  They have great faith and I know that is what they can - and will rely on.  That is a good thing because it is not humanly possible to take this sort of pain away from someone. 

So.....the circle of life continues, for all of us.  Our experiences begin and end.  It is not always birth and death, nor health and illness.  Sometimes it is something little like household projects, or vacations on the lake.  Perhaps it is the beginning and end of a friendship.  There are so many ways to look the circles within the CIRCLE.  I still can't help but wonder where I'm bound in all of this and how many circles I will yet be a part of.  I'm quite sure there will be many more to come and I am just as certain they will come in ways I have never expected.

Blessings to all......

As the present now will later be past....

Those old folk singers seemed to usually have a message worth paying attention to.  Yes, the times, they are a changin'.......Bob Dylan was right.

Perspectives adjust as your life experience changes.  Everything and everyone has the ability to make your point of view change and, if you can look at yourself honestly and openly, you can use the alterations in your perspective to grow and make yourself a better, stronger person; or you can choose to ignore everything that has made your life uncomfortable and refuse to grow and change because you are too afraid.

Whether you are two, twenty-two, or ninety-two, take your experiences and make them work for you.  That is what I have been working on.  I am more sure of who I am than at any point in my life.  I know it is a result of all I have experienced, the good and the bad.  I grew up in a family that had some privilege attached to its name.  I have been to funerals in which the caskets being lowered into the ground have belonged to my children.  I have laid in bed, too sick to reprimand my daughter, who was about to make some very stupid decisions of her own; which at some point will affect her perspective about how she views life.  I have meekly sat by and let people say and do unkind things to one another.  I have personally sat by and let myself be attacked for things that were extremely unfair because the attacker was too unwilling to look themselves in the eye and face the facts. The times, they are a changin.....

I will take responsibility for those things in life in which I had something to do with, for the abilities I have as well as the ones I will never be blessed with (yes mother, I will never be able to cook as well as you). But my shoulders just aren't big enough to take on the responsibility of things I had nothing to do with.  I am streamlining my life in such a way that some people might not like.  Right now, although I feel bad for those that haven't used their own life experiences to help them change their life/lives,  I hope they will somehow find the courage to do what they need to do to take control of changing their own lives.  I don't have what it takes to carry anyone along but myself.  I can help in some situations, but sadly I can' push buttons and make circumstances or outcomes change.

Similarly, when it comes to my perspective of how I can entertain myself, that too has changed.  What used to be the present now feels like the past (well because it is).  I am no longer able to golf or do the other types of physical activities that were my true passions.  The day I was told I could no longer scuba dive was a day I will never forget.  But I can choose things I have not yet tried and I am quite certain I will find something that be nearly as entertaining as those things I held onto so tightly for a very long time.

So, Bob Dylan, yes the times they are a changing.  For everyone that can look at their own perspectives in life:

"Admit that the waters
around you have grown

And accept that soon
you'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin'

Then you better start swimming
or your sink like a stone

For the times
they are a changin'."

Peace out...

An Act of Random Kindness

For some reason I have always liked the movie Evan Almighty with Steve Carell.  It is a feel good movie where Morgan Freeman plays God and gets Carell to build an ark.  The plot ebbs and flows, the ark gets built and the good guys win.  At the end of the movie Morgan Freeman writes in the ground with a stick, "ARK"...an Act of Random Kindness.  I experienced one of those today.

I have been the supporter of many - often in such a way that I feel used in the end - taken advantage of.  I realize it is my fault for letting people walk on me because I can be such a wimp.  Many times when I say "no", it really isn't taken seriously because I haven't been a jerk about saying no and therefore have felt blown off.  In the past there have been incidents where I have asked for one simple wish to be followed.  When it wasn't and I held my ground I was labled mean and inconsiderate.  I could give a list the length of my arm where I have looked the other way in spite of what I have said or meant and because I don't stomp my foot, I am ignored.  Today I got a surprise that gave me faith once more in Acts of Random Kindness.

I have mentioned my friends before - and boy, I have some good ones.  I got a package in the mail today from a group of my friends with a gift, picked just for me, that basically said, "thanks for being a good person and a good friend".  On a morning when I didn't want to get out of bed, when the future of where things could go looked bleak, a small box arrives that says "we care".  It was an Act of Random Kindness that meant more that can be said in this blog.  My friends went to some length to collaberate and find something that was so....right.  At a moment in my life when I sometimes wonder if my destiny is to be pushed around and taken advantage of, some very good people assured me that the philosophy of Acts of Random Kindness is neither wrong nor forgotten.  To them I say a very humble thank you.  I love you all.

Acceptance

It has been almost a month since I have written anything.  It has been a busy and thought-driven month.  Have you ever had an experience where you address a problem by first researching what needs to be done, fill yourself with hope that your research will provide the answers you want, and then realize you might just be chasing rainbows that you can't find the end of (don't ever end your sentences in a preposition)?  It seems like I have done a lot of that lately.  I have hoped against hope that some issues I have had to deal with would end up with a concrete, definitive answer of how to address the problem.  All I learned is what I have learned before - there are some things that are just not in my control.  One would think by now that I would have known that - I have certainly had ample events that have driven that point home.  Still, when one hopes so much that things can have a different outcome, but that it isn't in your control to do anything about that outcome, it is kind of like a punch in the stomach.  The next step then becomes obvious.  One sometimes needs to accept things they just wish weren't so.  I need to move forward with that thought, understanding that while I can still hope, I no longer have any need to worry myself with things I can't control.

Yes this post has been enigmatic.  It is really more for a catharsis than anything else.  In the end it really is, "que sera, sera,whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera".

Peace out.

Today I am a copycat

I follow a man by the name of Robert Brault.  He is a free-lance writer who has contributed to many newspapers and magazines over the years.  I love his way of thinking and how he can so carefully craft words into something entertaining and insightful at the same time.  This is an old blog of his but is relevant to my life at this moment.  Maybe it will be for you too.  Enjoy Robert's words:

THE KIND LIE VERSUS THE UNKIND TRUTH (May 15th, 2009)

"I did not suppose, when I wrote the following line, that I was saying anything especially controversial:

'Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.'

-- or when I reiterated the view in this line:

'when a friend needs consolation, nothing will keep you so well until tomorrow as the truth.'

But twice I have seen the first line debated in internet chatrooms, the verdict each time being that telling a falsehood is always bad, opening a Pandora's Box to all manner of disaster.  How do I respond to this?  I respond by coming down coming squarely on the side of kindness.  I believe this puts me on the side of the God of both testaments of the Judaeo-Christian tradition, - the God who gave us the Ten Commandments and the God who gave us the Sermon on the Mount.

To my ear, the commandment against lying seems to have been carefully crafted to exclude the lie of kind intent:  "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."  The God of Moses had no trouble with clarity.  He was explicit in saying "Thou shalt not kill" and "Thou shalt not steal,", these being clear assaults against one's neighbor.  But had He said, "Thou shalt not lie," his law might have been construed to condone an assault of truth against one's neighbor.  Instead, His commandment puts the emphasis clearly on the consideration of our neighbor's welfare.  The short form of the commandment is not "Thou shalt not lie"  but "Thou shalt not harm thy neighbor by thy word."  It is a corollary to "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ spoke of those "who say all manner of evil against you falsely."  He did not condemn those who say all manner of good of you, in the interest of your welfare, be it false or otherwise.  Here is the God who reduced the commandments to two:  Love thy God and Love thy neighbor.  In giving us the beatitude, "Blessed are the merciful...," did He intend to exclude from the merciful those who bend the truth so as not to hurt their neighbor?

I think of it this way - there is a distinction between the facts that we discern as truth, and the Eternal Truth which is God Himself, to whom our only allegiance is owed, and who has provided us the model of kindness and understanding that should inform our lives.  And so, for myself at least, the rule is simple:

"Love thy neighbor, and if it requires that you bend your understanding of the truth the Truth will understand".

--Robert Brault

When is our purpose in life discovered?

I don't quite know how to say thank you privately in a public place.  It is difficult and perhaps enigmatic as well.  In the last couple of days I have learned that sometimes people come into your life and end up having a profound effect on you or family in ways that were never planned or even contemplated.

For the last "quite some time" our family has gone through some pretty devastating things, some many people know about; a couple of issues only a very small handful of people are aware of.  In the last 72 hours there have been peaks and valleys that have left me breathless just trying to keep up with everything.  Then out of the blue.....

A person we have grown close to over the past almost 6 years began talking about past experiences in her life.  She is such a great person with a generous heart - that much we have known for a long time - but she started encouraging some people that are very close to us in ways that we have been incapable of.  It is said that experience is the best teacher and that if you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you are better able to understand what they are going through.  For years I believe one of my life's purposes has been to comfort people who have lost children.  When something like that happens to you, the parents who are left behind do not have to "begin at the beginning" of what it really is to lose a child - unfortunately I already know.  The person I refer to in this blog has been able to reach someone we love very much in a way that it simply isn't possible for me to do because I haven't "walked there".

Is it possible that this person came into our lives almost 6 years ago in a way and for a purpose completely unrelated to what she has been able to do for one of our loved ones in the last couple of days?  I don't know.  Everyone has their own belief system but at this point I really think this person was a integral part in the grand scheme of our life and that the good she can now provide some members of our family is invaluable and was planned long ago by something much bigger than we can ever be.

I realize this post is confusing at best.  What I really want to do is to say thank you to someone who has helped in such a big way with such a big issue.  You never know what form your help or comfort might take.  But hopefully you recognize when you see it.  Thank you friend.  You might have just found one of your purposes in this grand scheme called life.

Where were you?

I just finished watching a show on John F. Kennedy.  For those of us old enough, each one of us likely knows the exact place we were when we heard the news.  I was in 5th grade, Mrs. Ramaker's class.  She was called out of the room and we could see her hand go over her mouth as in making some sort of gasp.  Bobby Chrastil (R.I.P.), being the kind of kid he was slipped out our classroom door to hear the news that was being delivered to our teacher.  He is the one that actually delivered the news to the entire 5th and 6th grades (at that time our school housed two grades per one classroom) although I must admit his delivery was not quite that of Mrs. Ramaker's.  She was able to explain the ramificatations for us as a nation and the significance of it all.  It was the first time I really thought about how the world works together and that there was in fact life beyond the boundaries of Saline County.

For the people of the next generation your reference to news like that would be the bombing of the twin towers.  I am quite certain we all know exactly where we were when we heard the news.  By that time I was old enough to appreciate the ramifications of this horrific act upon the free world.  It is hard to think that there are now humans "out there" that only know of this incident because of history books.  If you think about it, children who were born in 2001 are now 10 years old, likely in the 5th grade and learning from their teachers that there was life before TSA security lines at airports.

We have all had our personal moments that we will never forget that have shaped us individually, made our lives better or worse, or forced us to make different decisions based on the "bump in the road".  There are not a whole lot of moments that have shaped us as a nation where our experiences are similar because of something that happened to us as Americans.  Yes there are degrees of this experience.  I know one young man that lives in New Jersey, an hour's train ride from Manhattan.  His rendition of this experience and the terror that ensued for people in that area heightens the reality of what happened and how individual families were impacted.  For some of them, personal defining moments were sadly created.

In the end for me it has made me revisit how significant moments like these create people who share one common demoninator - we are Americans who love our country and our humanity for all is brought to bear in critical universal moments such as those described above.  Sometimes terrible things happen that bring out the best of what people can be.  We can all do better and it shouldn't take an act of terrorism for us to do something special for our neighbor.  Can you do better?  I am going to try.

Cancer

I could have titled this entry a number of things because this particular subject on this particular day came to me in a dream.  Since there was a "joke" placed in a public place last night that referenced something funny and cancer in the same sentence, I decided that would be my topic of this post.

Cancer was one of my defining moments.  It wasn't the first nor it was the last - but it was a big one.  I was diagnosed with a very rare and life threatening type of breast cancer on my birthday in March 2002.  In my case I woke up one morning in late January feeling something was not right.  After spending a week or two deciding if I should even go to a doctor (there was no lump or anything I had ever read about as a warning sign) I went and was placed on an antibiotic for a month which, for obvious reasons, did not work.  That doctor sent me to a surgeon.  It was a Friday afternoon.  By Tuesday I was told I had cancer.  Talk about a change in direction!  It is a feeling a little like playing the child's game blind man's bluff.  Someone puts a blindfold on you, spins you around several times, and then wants you to go in a particular direction and find something or someone.  The needle in the haystack.

After major chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant, a major surgery, twice a day radiation, another major surgery, and two recurrences of this disease I am still here to write about it.  My life is not the same as it would be if I didn't have this disease.  In almost 9 years I have had a space of 15 months where I have not swallowed handfuls of pills to keep me going. But since I will never know what life would have been like without this happening to me, I don't know what I'm missing.  I could waste a lot of time feeling bad about what I'm imagining I'm missing but what's the point?  It won't change the facts.  I have enough other things I worry about.

Along the same theme are those people that have loved ones who have cancer.  The care-takers, the daughters, the sons, the husbands or wives.  They have experienced a defining moment as well.  Their lives will never be the same.  I think of a friend of mine, Michele, who had just moved to a new state with her husband and three children when her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Michele's mother was not as lucky as I have been but neither have the loved ones that suffered when her life was taken.  For the rest of my life I will always look at cancer as not only affecting the person that has the disease but of the other people that have suffered because of it.  Their lives have changed directions and how they manage the rest of their lives has somehow been altered.

If you don't know someone that has cancer or that has lost their life to this insidious disease, you will.  It is then no longer funny.  In the meantime, if you are the one with cancer, just keep moving one foot in front of the next, you never know what is coming down the pipeline in terms of drugs or other types of care.  I'm lucky.  My daughter was in the 7th grade when I first learned of my disease.  They couldn't promise me I would see her graduate from the 8th grade.  She graduated from high school in 2007, spent two years in New York City, is back in Montana and onto other things.  I have the ability to watch her mature and grow into a woman who may someday write her own blog.  I have watched my son go from boy to man.  He has married, is a father of one and about to be two, coaches baseball, helps neighbors and friends, and is a heck of a business partner. 

Life might not always be what you think it's going to be, but it can be something good if you just let it be.  Peace out.

Defining Moments

By now nearly everyone has been educated on the concept of defining moments in one's life.  It is a place where, in a moment, your life takes a 90 degree turn and goes in a different direction.  I personally have had a very small handful of defining moments and remember my first one with clarity.

I attended a boarding school for girls my last two years of high school.  It was one of the best experiences of my life and I will write more about it at some point.  But my first defining moment came at Saint Mary's Hall.

There was a century old tradition of an all girls drill team at my school.  It was small and an elite status came with being a member of the squad.  I tried out so that I could be a member my senior year.  Until then almost everything I had done had been easy.  I was a pretty good student, a good athlete, a good friend.  I liked being good at everything I did.  Lots of girls tried out and over the weeks I watched as more and more girls were rejected from the possibility of making the squad.  It came down to three of us left.  You can guess the rest of the story.  I was cut and my two friends went onto Hell Night and made the cut.  I was devastated.  But in the years that followed and even still I think back to the important lesson I learned.  I learned that because you fail at one thing does not mean that you are a failure.

My father had a saying he used frequently.  He used to say, "perfect is good enough".  That is pretty hard to obtain - perfection.  I learned to be happy with trying my best, working hard, and learning that praying didn't hurt either.  Being perfect isn't necessary.  Being true to yourself and what you can do is.  I hope other people will have moments of clarity in their defining moments as well.  I will write about my other ones as I get the notion to.

How can you be friends with someone you have never met?

My Lotro friends are probably tired of this topic because it has been talked about before.  Yet I find myself consistently amazed that a group of people from all over the United States can and do consider themselves friends - good friends.  Several people know that one of my hobbies is computer gaming - more than Facebook Frontierville, although I really like that too.  I play a game called Lotro (Lord of the Rings Online) in which people come together with other people that have this similar interest and work either together or independently to complete different objectives or "quests" that somewhat follow the Tolkien trilogy.  There are a group of people whom I have "met" online that I consider some of the nicest people I know.  We all come from different backgrounds, economically, educationally, politically, and geographically.  Still somehow we found each other and there isn't much I wouldn't do for any of them.  I am certainly in the narrow part of the bell curve when it comes to age and playing a game of this sort, although there are more grandparents than you would expect.  These people I write about have developed a sort of family.  We look out for each other.  We celebrate when a baby is born.  We grieve when a friend dies.  We support one another when we know we are struggling in real life.  These are people who continue to shape who I am. I learn something from them everytime I chat with them.  Even when the game itself gets tiresome or boring I find myself checking in with these folks just to find out how they are.  We are all different yet we are all the same in that not only do we like to play together but we all have real life struggles that we must plow through everyday.  I am proud to consider these people my friends and believe they feel the same way about me.  It is nice to know someone based only on how they treat other people, not what they have or who they know. So to my Lotro friends, I salute you.  You fall into the category of where I've been and where I'm going both.  Thanks.

Connections and degrees of separation

By now most people are on facebook.  One of the applications that fascinates me is the Friend Wheel.  It takes all of your friends, then links and groups them together to form a nice, colourful, interesting image.  I play with mine a lot because I like how it looks as I add friends.  Imagine what your wheel would look like if you included on your wheel those people that do not use facebook.  I am fascinated by the way the world connects and really how many degrees of separation there are.  In the last week I have reconnected with two old friends.  They in turn know so many other interesting people.  I could spend the rest of my life meeting friends of friends, never stepping out of that scenario, and learn to know so many more people that have so many talents, that drive the way the world works.  Have the people I don't even know influenced me because they have influenced my friends?  This is an odd topic but for me thought provoking.  How many friends of friends could you meet, increase the size and scope of your world, and be a better person for it?

Aunt Harriet

It seems as everyone has wanted something from me this week and I have been unable to take the time to sit down and reflect on my past and future  Finally the phone has stopped ringing, people have left work sick, and I am left in a quiet office with some time on my hands.  I am thinking about Aunt Harriet.

My aunt, one of 4 children and my dad's sister is now the only one left in her generation.  She is the daughter of a Danish immigrant, my grandfather and has been a significant influence in my life.  I am proud to be her niece and am happy that she was a part of where I have been and she did a lot to shape me in making me the person I am today.  She is days away from being 101 years old and the history that she has seen in her lifetime is profound.  Along with her brothers and her dad, they started a very successful hand tool business that made me think I could do the same.

My aunt worked very hard and working in the family business was a huge part of her life.  She was a working woman when it wasn't the "thing to do". My mom was too, so my female role models were that of working women.  The thing about my aunt as well as the rest of the family she was born into is they cared so much about the people they shared their lives with.  That meant family, employees, and anyone else who relied on the little town we were raised in.  She maintained a great philanthropic nature through her life which was modeled to her by her parents and is carried on by many of us in the generation that followed her.

Aunt Harriet is smart.  She admits that this new century is not hers.  I know that it has been hard for her to keep up with all the changes; technologically, philosophically, and politically.  Today we live in a world that has grown beyond her.  But in the end what is important is not what she did with her life, but the kind of person she is.  She is a smart, kind, caring, hard working, God fearing, woman who has given far more than she has ever received.  She has counted every person she has known as a blessing and understands too, just how much she was blessed. Because of that attitude, I am a better person.  I wish my aunt the very best of birthdays and am happy that I am kind of like her.  Because she was a woman and because my dad was ....  well...my dad, I learned that women are capable of doing anything they set their minds to.  That indeed, has served me well.

The 'rents

We are all shaped in some way by our parents.  Mine were something else.  It wasn't easy to be a child of Richard and Virginia.  There were so many expectations set for us.  I usually tried to rise to the occasion, but sometimes it was hard.  Honestly my basic personality is more like my dad; one who liked time to himself, a heart that felt so deeply for the inequalities of this world, and who believed that women could do and should be compensated in the same way a man would be for the same job.  He loved adventure and expressed that love through being a pilot, building a race car, building a boat, and keeping a wall-sized map in our basement plotted with all the places where he had flown.  He joked that he was the first "women's libber" because he so believed in the power of a woman.  It was probably a good thing because my mother WAS powerful.  She was smart, opinionated, organized (almost to a fault), and LOVED people and planning celebrations of any kind.  She was the mayor of our little town, the president of the school board, spearheaded a committee to find a doctor to practice in our little village, was a member of the PTA for 28 years (us kids were spread apart), among other things that included being active in our church, bookclub, and whatever else I have forgotten.  She loved to cook - and I'm pretty sure I was a big disappointment in that category.  I can work my way around a kitchen but it is far from my favorite activity.  Put me in front of a computer and let me try to figure out which direction steel prices are going to go in 2011 is more my style.

Education was a huge expectation in our house.  We needed to be good students.  Period.  That was hard too because one of my brothers was beyond smart.  It was up to my brother Dick and me to try to live up to that impossible standard.  Still I did fine and came to terms with the fact that few people would ever be as smart as my brother Allen.  I ended up with a bachelor's degree in finance and was accepted into an MBA program which, at the last minute, I declined.  I was still raising my own brood and thought it would take too much time away from my primary job of raising kids.  Who knew that someday I would wish I would have completed that program and would be running a tool business of my own.  I could use some of that information just about everyday.  So to my friend Carl and Jody's daughter, study your marketing.  It is hard stuff to actually implement.  My brother Allen was a natural - me...not so much.  More later on the business and where I have been and where I am going...

In the end I know my parents were proud of me and that was important.  I always knew my dad was.  Sometimes I wondered if my mom was proud of me because I saw her as someone who was able to do so much and do it well.  Toward the end of her life we had many good talks about how proud she was of me.  I am very glad I had the chance to know that.  She was proud of all of us, her chicks that she liked to keep covered under her wings.  If you are a parent now, be sure your kids know how proud you are and don't leave them guessing.  In my case I have a lot of young people (besides my own two) that I am so proud of (Carl, I'm watching you, Wesley, Michael, Sami, Dana, Lynn).  Your accomplishments are something to be very proud of.  Your curiosity is what makes the world go round.  Some of you are incredible parents and I can already envision the world with your children at the helm.  Ed and Shell fit in that category as well.  Jon is about to leave the nest and I am excited to see how he carries on the openess and acceptance of others that his parents are so fabulous at.

This is too long.  My parent's are part of where I have been and continue to shape the decisions and attitudes I have about the future.  Thanks mom and dad.

Beginnings and Endings

I am so far from being finished acknowledging who and what were part of my beginnings.  But one of the points of this blog (for me) is to really articulate (again for me) that each of us lives our life as a series of beginning and endings.  When I was diagnosed with cancer for the first time in 2002 I bought an ancient Roman coin which I wear to this day.  On one side is the god of Janus, who is in Roman mythology the "god of gates, doors, doorways, beginnings and endings, and time" (Wikipedia).  It was something that was very meaningful to me then since I was at a place in my life that was a beginning AND an ending in a very clear way that often doesn't happen.  Life generally ebbs and flows into what was past and what is becoming the future but a diagnosis of cancer clearly puts a person into a place where the door of health as you knew it is over and learning how to deal with illness is beginning often with a vengeance.  The necklace continues to remind me that not only do I live with beginning and endings, but all of mankind does.  The differences lie in the specifics. Change is an undeniable fact of life.  We begin.  We end.  We begin again.

It is my wish that somehow I can draw on my life experiences and help those around me facing beginnings and endings in their lives.  Interestingly enough that covers so many people I know to one degree or another.  The quote by a man named Carl Barth sort of sums it up:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new end".

I really hope people who find themselves in circumstances in which their lives are changing can embrace this and know that moving forward is the only direction one can go.

The Village...

When I talk about "The Village", many of you know what I'm talking about.  Some of you have always lived in metropolitan areas and some of you think you live in a small town.  But there is something special about small town middle America.  I am talking about a town with no stop lights, no movie theater, or a library that is open just a couple days a week.  "The Village" is a place where children can roam free and ride there bikes everywhere.  Parents can rest assured that their neighbor is looking out for their little ones.

I am happy I had the experience of growing up in such a small place.  I have friends that I went to school with, worshipped with, caught tadpoles with, and took my horse swimming in Turkey Creek with.  Yes, a large part of that was the era in which I grew up.  I'm glad I did.  I love the city and all it has to offer, but I can love the city because I was raised to be sure of who I was and that I had a place where I belonged and could call home.  It was the people in this little town that gave me the confidence to reach for the stars.

DeWitt, you are a huge part of me.

Grandpa Pete

We all have so many reasons we are the people we are.  The entire "nature" vs. "nurture" thing is still pondered by many groups.  A most basic essence of who I am today is the result of one thing my paternal grandfather said in a letter to his grandchildren in 1957.  Not even all of his grandchildren had been born yet; still he had the foresight to instruct his progeny with what he knew to be true - whether by virtue of life experience or by the DNA which he had no control over.  He wrote this particular letter to all his grandchildren to be delivered to each of us upon our graduation from high school.  He had been gone several years by the time I got my letter - yet every word is still seared in my memory.  One part of it is worth sharing:

"It is not my intention to tell you how to live your life but only to impress upon you that if you make each day an investment in good living your dividends will accrue to you in accomplishments and satisfaction.  In other words - don't waste your substance or your skills and life will be good to you".

So...this letter is part of where I came from and part of where I will go.  I try to live my life according to his words of wisdom and attempt to make each day an investment in good living.  It isn't always easy, but it is always something to strive for.

Finally, in my odyssey to track where I have been, who and what have been involved, and how this impacts where I am going, I lift my glass to Grandpa Pete.  His influence on me was profound. 

Thanks Grandpa.

I Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound #1

A friend of mine named Carl decided to create a blog this year and center his theme around the things he has to be thankful for and the positive aspects of his life. I was very inspired by this and thought that the discipline of writing a blog would be something that would be beneficial for me and possibly interesting for others. I couldn't exactly decide what the general thread should be throughout my posts but I am beginning to wrap my thoughts around writing about the events and people in my life that have brought meaning to my life in the past and who is influencing me now and how that effects how I look at the future. The folk song, "I Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound" kind of sums up how I want to approach this set of entries.

"It's a long and a dusty road

It's a hot and a heavy load

And the folks that I meet ain't always kind

Some are bad, some are good,

Some have done the best they could

Some have tried to ease my troubling mind

And I can't help but wonder where I'm bound

Where I'm bound

And I can't help but wonder where I'm bound

I have wandered thru this land

Just a doing the best I can

Tryin to find what I was meant to do

And the people that I see look as worried as can be

And it looks like they are a wondering too"

So with that thought, I will see how long I can keep this up. So many of you have influenced me in so many ways that I won't run out of things to write about for some time. Enjoy.