I just finished watching a show on John F. Kennedy. For those of us old enough, each one of us likely knows the exact place we were when we heard the news. I was in 5th grade, Mrs. Ramaker's class. She was called out of the room and we could see her hand go over her mouth as in making some sort of gasp. Bobby Chrastil (R.I.P.), being the kind of kid he was slipped out our classroom door to hear the news that was being delivered to our teacher. He is the one that actually delivered the news to the entire 5th and 6th grades (at that time our school housed two grades per one classroom) although I must admit his delivery was not quite that of Mrs. Ramaker's. She was able to explain the ramificatations for us as a nation and the significance of it all. It was the first time I really thought about how the world works together and that there was in fact life beyond the boundaries of Saline County.
For the people of the next generation your reference to news like that would be the bombing of the twin towers. I am quite certain we all know exactly where we were when we heard the news. By that time I was old enough to appreciate the ramifications of this horrific act upon the free world. It is hard to think that there are now humans "out there" that only know of this incident because of history books. If you think about it, children who were born in 2001 are now 10 years old, likely in the 5th grade and learning from their teachers that there was life before TSA security lines at airports.
We have all had our personal moments that we will never forget that have shaped us individually, made our lives better or worse, or forced us to make different decisions based on the "bump in the road". There are not a whole lot of moments that have shaped us as a nation where our experiences are similar because of something that happened to us as Americans. Yes there are degrees of this experience. I know one young man that lives in New Jersey, an hour's train ride from Manhattan. His rendition of this experience and the terror that ensued for people in that area heightens the reality of what happened and how individual families were impacted. For some of them, personal defining moments were sadly created.
In the end for me it has made me revisit how significant moments like these create people who share one common demoninator - we are Americans who love our country and our humanity for all is brought to bear in critical universal moments such as those described above. Sometimes terrible things happen that bring out the best of what people can be. We can all do better and it shouldn't take an act of terrorism for us to do something special for our neighbor. Can you do better? I am going to try.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Cancer
I could have titled this entry a number of things because this particular subject on this particular day came to me in a dream. Since there was a "joke" placed in a public place last night that referenced something funny and cancer in the same sentence, I decided that would be my topic of this post.
Cancer was one of my defining moments. It wasn't the first nor it was the last - but it was a big one. I was diagnosed with a very rare and life threatening type of breast cancer on my birthday in March 2002. In my case I woke up one morning in late January feeling something was not right. After spending a week or two deciding if I should even go to a doctor (there was no lump or anything I had ever read about as a warning sign) I went and was placed on an antibiotic for a month which, for obvious reasons, did not work. That doctor sent me to a surgeon. It was a Friday afternoon. By Tuesday I was told I had cancer. Talk about a change in direction! It is a feeling a little like playing the child's game blind man's bluff. Someone puts a blindfold on you, spins you around several times, and then wants you to go in a particular direction and find something or someone. The needle in the haystack.
After major chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant, a major surgery, twice a day radiation, another major surgery, and two recurrences of this disease I am still here to write about it. My life is not the same as it would be if I didn't have this disease. In almost 9 years I have had a space of 15 months where I have not swallowed handfuls of pills to keep me going. But since I will never know what life would have been like without this happening to me, I don't know what I'm missing. I could waste a lot of time feeling bad about what I'm imagining I'm missing but what's the point? It won't change the facts. I have enough other things I worry about.
Along the same theme are those people that have loved ones who have cancer. The care-takers, the daughters, the sons, the husbands or wives. They have experienced a defining moment as well. Their lives will never be the same. I think of a friend of mine, Michele, who had just moved to a new state with her husband and three children when her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Michele's mother was not as lucky as I have been but neither have the loved ones that suffered when her life was taken. For the rest of my life I will always look at cancer as not only affecting the person that has the disease but of the other people that have suffered because of it. Their lives have changed directions and how they manage the rest of their lives has somehow been altered.
If you don't know someone that has cancer or that has lost their life to this insidious disease, you will. It is then no longer funny. In the meantime, if you are the one with cancer, just keep moving one foot in front of the next, you never know what is coming down the pipeline in terms of drugs or other types of care. I'm lucky. My daughter was in the 7th grade when I first learned of my disease. They couldn't promise me I would see her graduate from the 8th grade. She graduated from high school in 2007, spent two years in New York City, is back in Montana and onto other things. I have the ability to watch her mature and grow into a woman who may someday write her own blog. I have watched my son go from boy to man. He has married, is a father of one and about to be two, coaches baseball, helps neighbors and friends, and is a heck of a business partner.
Life might not always be what you think it's going to be, but it can be something good if you just let it be. Peace out.
Cancer was one of my defining moments. It wasn't the first nor it was the last - but it was a big one. I was diagnosed with a very rare and life threatening type of breast cancer on my birthday in March 2002. In my case I woke up one morning in late January feeling something was not right. After spending a week or two deciding if I should even go to a doctor (there was no lump or anything I had ever read about as a warning sign) I went and was placed on an antibiotic for a month which, for obvious reasons, did not work. That doctor sent me to a surgeon. It was a Friday afternoon. By Tuesday I was told I had cancer. Talk about a change in direction! It is a feeling a little like playing the child's game blind man's bluff. Someone puts a blindfold on you, spins you around several times, and then wants you to go in a particular direction and find something or someone. The needle in the haystack.
After major chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant, a major surgery, twice a day radiation, another major surgery, and two recurrences of this disease I am still here to write about it. My life is not the same as it would be if I didn't have this disease. In almost 9 years I have had a space of 15 months where I have not swallowed handfuls of pills to keep me going. But since I will never know what life would have been like without this happening to me, I don't know what I'm missing. I could waste a lot of time feeling bad about what I'm imagining I'm missing but what's the point? It won't change the facts. I have enough other things I worry about.
Along the same theme are those people that have loved ones who have cancer. The care-takers, the daughters, the sons, the husbands or wives. They have experienced a defining moment as well. Their lives will never be the same. I think of a friend of mine, Michele, who had just moved to a new state with her husband and three children when her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Michele's mother was not as lucky as I have been but neither have the loved ones that suffered when her life was taken. For the rest of my life I will always look at cancer as not only affecting the person that has the disease but of the other people that have suffered because of it. Their lives have changed directions and how they manage the rest of their lives has somehow been altered.
If you don't know someone that has cancer or that has lost their life to this insidious disease, you will. It is then no longer funny. In the meantime, if you are the one with cancer, just keep moving one foot in front of the next, you never know what is coming down the pipeline in terms of drugs or other types of care. I'm lucky. My daughter was in the 7th grade when I first learned of my disease. They couldn't promise me I would see her graduate from the 8th grade. She graduated from high school in 2007, spent two years in New York City, is back in Montana and onto other things. I have the ability to watch her mature and grow into a woman who may someday write her own blog. I have watched my son go from boy to man. He has married, is a father of one and about to be two, coaches baseball, helps neighbors and friends, and is a heck of a business partner.
Life might not always be what you think it's going to be, but it can be something good if you just let it be. Peace out.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Defining Moments
By now nearly everyone has been educated on the concept of defining moments in one's life. It is a place where, in a moment, your life takes a 90 degree turn and goes in a different direction. I personally have had a very small handful of defining moments and remember my first one with clarity.
I attended a boarding school for girls my last two years of high school. It was one of the best experiences of my life and I will write more about it at some point. But my first defining moment came at Saint Mary's Hall.
There was a century old tradition of an all girls drill team at my school. It was small and an elite status came with being a member of the squad. I tried out so that I could be a member my senior year. Until then almost everything I had done had been easy. I was a pretty good student, a good athlete, a good friend. I liked being good at everything I did. Lots of girls tried out and over the weeks I watched as more and more girls were rejected from the possibility of making the squad. It came down to three of us left. You can guess the rest of the story. I was cut and my two friends went onto Hell Night and made the cut. I was devastated. But in the years that followed and even still I think back to the important lesson I learned. I learned that because you fail at one thing does not mean that you are a failure.
My father had a saying he used frequently. He used to say, "perfect is good enough". That is pretty hard to obtain - perfection. I learned to be happy with trying my best, working hard, and learning that praying didn't hurt either. Being perfect isn't necessary. Being true to yourself and what you can do is. I hope other people will have moments of clarity in their defining moments as well. I will write about my other ones as I get the notion to.
I attended a boarding school for girls my last two years of high school. It was one of the best experiences of my life and I will write more about it at some point. But my first defining moment came at Saint Mary's Hall.
There was a century old tradition of an all girls drill team at my school. It was small and an elite status came with being a member of the squad. I tried out so that I could be a member my senior year. Until then almost everything I had done had been easy. I was a pretty good student, a good athlete, a good friend. I liked being good at everything I did. Lots of girls tried out and over the weeks I watched as more and more girls were rejected from the possibility of making the squad. It came down to three of us left. You can guess the rest of the story. I was cut and my two friends went onto Hell Night and made the cut. I was devastated. But in the years that followed and even still I think back to the important lesson I learned. I learned that because you fail at one thing does not mean that you are a failure.
My father had a saying he used frequently. He used to say, "perfect is good enough". That is pretty hard to obtain - perfection. I learned to be happy with trying my best, working hard, and learning that praying didn't hurt either. Being perfect isn't necessary. Being true to yourself and what you can do is. I hope other people will have moments of clarity in their defining moments as well. I will write about my other ones as I get the notion to.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
How can you be friends with someone you have never met?
My Lotro friends are probably tired of this topic because it has been talked about before. Yet I find myself consistently amazed that a group of people from all over the United States can and do consider themselves friends - good friends. Several people know that one of my hobbies is computer gaming - more than Facebook Frontierville, although I really like that too. I play a game called Lotro (Lord of the Rings Online) in which people come together with other people that have this similar interest and work either together or independently to complete different objectives or "quests" that somewhat follow the Tolkien trilogy. There are a group of people whom I have "met" online that I consider some of the nicest people I know. We all come from different backgrounds, economically, educationally, politically, and geographically. Still somehow we found each other and there isn't much I wouldn't do for any of them. I am certainly in the narrow part of the bell curve when it comes to age and playing a game of this sort, although there are more grandparents than you would expect. These people I write about have developed a sort of family. We look out for each other. We celebrate when a baby is born. We grieve when a friend dies. We support one another when we know we are struggling in real life. These are people who continue to shape who I am. I learn something from them everytime I chat with them. Even when the game itself gets tiresome or boring I find myself checking in with these folks just to find out how they are. We are all different yet we are all the same in that not only do we like to play together but we all have real life struggles that we must plow through everyday. I am proud to consider these people my friends and believe they feel the same way about me. It is nice to know someone based only on how they treat other people, not what they have or who they know. So to my Lotro friends, I salute you. You fall into the category of where I've been and where I'm going both. Thanks.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Connections and degrees of separation
By now most people are on facebook. One of the applications that fascinates me is the Friend Wheel. It takes all of your friends, then links and groups them together to form a nice, colourful, interesting image. I play with mine a lot because I like how it looks as I add friends. Imagine what your wheel would look like if you included on your wheel those people that do not use facebook. I am fascinated by the way the world connects and really how many degrees of separation there are. In the last week I have reconnected with two old friends. They in turn know so many other interesting people. I could spend the rest of my life meeting friends of friends, never stepping out of that scenario, and learn to know so many more people that have so many talents, that drive the way the world works. Have the people I don't even know influenced me because they have influenced my friends? This is an odd topic but for me thought provoking. How many friends of friends could you meet, increase the size and scope of your world, and be a better person for it?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Aunt Harriet
It seems as everyone has wanted something from me this week and I have been unable to take the time to sit down and reflect on my past and future Finally the phone has stopped ringing, people have left work sick, and I am left in a quiet office with some time on my hands. I am thinking about Aunt Harriet.
My aunt, one of 4 children and my dad's sister is now the only one left in her generation. She is the daughter of a Danish immigrant, my grandfather and has been a significant influence in my life. I am proud to be her niece and am happy that she was a part of where I have been and she did a lot to shape me in making me the person I am today. She is days away from being 101 years old and the history that she has seen in her lifetime is profound. Along with her brothers and her dad, they started a very successful hand tool business that made me think I could do the same.
My aunt worked very hard and working in the family business was a huge part of her life. She was a working woman when it wasn't the "thing to do". My mom was too, so my female role models were that of working women. The thing about my aunt as well as the rest of the family she was born into is they cared so much about the people they shared their lives with. That meant family, employees, and anyone else who relied on the little town we were raised in. She maintained a great philanthropic nature through her life which was modeled to her by her parents and is carried on by many of us in the generation that followed her.
Aunt Harriet is smart. She admits that this new century is not hers. I know that it has been hard for her to keep up with all the changes; technologically, philosophically, and politically. Today we live in a world that has grown beyond her. But in the end what is important is not what she did with her life, but the kind of person she is. She is a smart, kind, caring, hard working, God fearing, woman who has given far more than she has ever received. She has counted every person she has known as a blessing and understands too, just how much she was blessed. Because of that attitude, I am a better person. I wish my aunt the very best of birthdays and am happy that I am kind of like her. Because she was a woman and because my dad was .... well...my dad, I learned that women are capable of doing anything they set their minds to. That indeed, has served me well.
My aunt, one of 4 children and my dad's sister is now the only one left in her generation. She is the daughter of a Danish immigrant, my grandfather and has been a significant influence in my life. I am proud to be her niece and am happy that she was a part of where I have been and she did a lot to shape me in making me the person I am today. She is days away from being 101 years old and the history that she has seen in her lifetime is profound. Along with her brothers and her dad, they started a very successful hand tool business that made me think I could do the same.
My aunt worked very hard and working in the family business was a huge part of her life. She was a working woman when it wasn't the "thing to do". My mom was too, so my female role models were that of working women. The thing about my aunt as well as the rest of the family she was born into is they cared so much about the people they shared their lives with. That meant family, employees, and anyone else who relied on the little town we were raised in. She maintained a great philanthropic nature through her life which was modeled to her by her parents and is carried on by many of us in the generation that followed her.
Aunt Harriet is smart. She admits that this new century is not hers. I know that it has been hard for her to keep up with all the changes; technologically, philosophically, and politically. Today we live in a world that has grown beyond her. But in the end what is important is not what she did with her life, but the kind of person she is. She is a smart, kind, caring, hard working, God fearing, woman who has given far more than she has ever received. She has counted every person she has known as a blessing and understands too, just how much she was blessed. Because of that attitude, I am a better person. I wish my aunt the very best of birthdays and am happy that I am kind of like her. Because she was a woman and because my dad was .... well...my dad, I learned that women are capable of doing anything they set their minds to. That indeed, has served me well.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The 'rents
We are all shaped in some way by our parents. Mine were something else. It wasn't easy to be a child of Richard and Virginia. There were so many expectations set for us. I usually tried to rise to the occasion, but sometimes it was hard. Honestly my basic personality is more like my dad; one who liked time to himself, a heart that felt so deeply for the inequalities of this world, and who believed that women could do and should be compensated in the same way a man would be for the same job. He loved adventure and expressed that love through being a pilot, building a race car, building a boat, and keeping a wall-sized map in our basement plotted with all the places where he had flown. He joked that he was the first "women's libber" because he so believed in the power of a woman. It was probably a good thing because my mother WAS powerful. She was smart, opinionated, organized (almost to a fault), and LOVED people and planning celebrations of any kind. She was the mayor of our little town, the president of the school board, spearheaded a committee to find a doctor to practice in our little village, was a member of the PTA for 28 years (us kids were spread apart), among other things that included being active in our church, bookclub, and whatever else I have forgotten. She loved to cook - and I'm pretty sure I was a big disappointment in that category. I can work my way around a kitchen but it is far from my favorite activity. Put me in front of a computer and let me try to figure out which direction steel prices are going to go in 2011 is more my style.
Education was a huge expectation in our house. We needed to be good students. Period. That was hard too because one of my brothers was beyond smart. It was up to my brother Dick and me to try to live up to that impossible standard. Still I did fine and came to terms with the fact that few people would ever be as smart as my brother Allen. I ended up with a bachelor's degree in finance and was accepted into an MBA program which, at the last minute, I declined. I was still raising my own brood and thought it would take too much time away from my primary job of raising kids. Who knew that someday I would wish I would have completed that program and would be running a tool business of my own. I could use some of that information just about everyday. So to my friend Carl and Jody's daughter, study your marketing. It is hard stuff to actually implement. My brother Allen was a natural - me...not so much. More later on the business and where I have been and where I am going...
In the end I know my parents were proud of me and that was important. I always knew my dad was. Sometimes I wondered if my mom was proud of me because I saw her as someone who was able to do so much and do it well. Toward the end of her life we had many good talks about how proud she was of me. I am very glad I had the chance to know that. She was proud of all of us, her chicks that she liked to keep covered under her wings. If you are a parent now, be sure your kids know how proud you are and don't leave them guessing. In my case I have a lot of young people (besides my own two) that I am so proud of (Carl, I'm watching you, Wesley, Michael, Sami, Dana, Lynn). Your accomplishments are something to be very proud of. Your curiosity is what makes the world go round. Some of you are incredible parents and I can already envision the world with your children at the helm. Ed and Shell fit in that category as well. Jon is about to leave the nest and I am excited to see how he carries on the openess and acceptance of others that his parents are so fabulous at.
This is too long. My parent's are part of where I have been and continue to shape the decisions and attitudes I have about the future. Thanks mom and dad.
Education was a huge expectation in our house. We needed to be good students. Period. That was hard too because one of my brothers was beyond smart. It was up to my brother Dick and me to try to live up to that impossible standard. Still I did fine and came to terms with the fact that few people would ever be as smart as my brother Allen. I ended up with a bachelor's degree in finance and was accepted into an MBA program which, at the last minute, I declined. I was still raising my own brood and thought it would take too much time away from my primary job of raising kids. Who knew that someday I would wish I would have completed that program and would be running a tool business of my own. I could use some of that information just about everyday. So to my friend Carl and Jody's daughter, study your marketing. It is hard stuff to actually implement. My brother Allen was a natural - me...not so much. More later on the business and where I have been and where I am going...
In the end I know my parents were proud of me and that was important. I always knew my dad was. Sometimes I wondered if my mom was proud of me because I saw her as someone who was able to do so much and do it well. Toward the end of her life we had many good talks about how proud she was of me. I am very glad I had the chance to know that. She was proud of all of us, her chicks that she liked to keep covered under her wings. If you are a parent now, be sure your kids know how proud you are and don't leave them guessing. In my case I have a lot of young people (besides my own two) that I am so proud of (Carl, I'm watching you, Wesley, Michael, Sami, Dana, Lynn). Your accomplishments are something to be very proud of. Your curiosity is what makes the world go round. Some of you are incredible parents and I can already envision the world with your children at the helm. Ed and Shell fit in that category as well. Jon is about to leave the nest and I am excited to see how he carries on the openess and acceptance of others that his parents are so fabulous at.
This is too long. My parent's are part of where I have been and continue to shape the decisions and attitudes I have about the future. Thanks mom and dad.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Beginnings and Endings
I am so far from being finished acknowledging who and what were part of my beginnings. But one of the points of this blog (for me) is to really articulate (again for me) that each of us lives our life as a series of beginning and endings. When I was diagnosed with cancer for the first time in 2002 I bought an ancient Roman coin which I wear to this day. On one side is the god of Janus, who is in Roman mythology the "god of gates, doors, doorways, beginnings and endings, and time" (Wikipedia). It was something that was very meaningful to me then since I was at a place in my life that was a beginning AND an ending in a very clear way that often doesn't happen. Life generally ebbs and flows into what was past and what is becoming the future but a diagnosis of cancer clearly puts a person into a place where the door of health as you knew it is over and learning how to deal with illness is beginning often with a vengeance. The necklace continues to remind me that not only do I live with beginning and endings, but all of mankind does. The differences lie in the specifics. Change is an undeniable fact of life. We begin. We end. We begin again.
It is my wish that somehow I can draw on my life experiences and help those around me facing beginnings and endings in their lives. Interestingly enough that covers so many people I know to one degree or another. The quote by a man named Carl Barth sort of sums it up:
It is my wish that somehow I can draw on my life experiences and help those around me facing beginnings and endings in their lives. Interestingly enough that covers so many people I know to one degree or another. The quote by a man named Carl Barth sort of sums it up:
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new end".
I really hope people who find themselves in circumstances in which their lives are changing can embrace this and know that moving forward is the only direction one can go.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Village...
When I talk about "The Village", many of you know what I'm talking about. Some of you have always lived in metropolitan areas and some of you think you live in a small town. But there is something special about small town middle America. I am talking about a town with no stop lights, no movie theater, or a library that is open just a couple days a week. "The Village" is a place where children can roam free and ride there bikes everywhere. Parents can rest assured that their neighbor is looking out for their little ones.
I am happy I had the experience of growing up in such a small place. I have friends that I went to school with, worshipped with, caught tadpoles with, and took my horse swimming in Turkey Creek with. Yes, a large part of that was the era in which I grew up. I'm glad I did. I love the city and all it has to offer, but I can love the city because I was raised to be sure of who I was and that I had a place where I belonged and could call home. It was the people in this little town that gave me the confidence to reach for the stars.
DeWitt, you are a huge part of me.
I am happy I had the experience of growing up in such a small place. I have friends that I went to school with, worshipped with, caught tadpoles with, and took my horse swimming in Turkey Creek with. Yes, a large part of that was the era in which I grew up. I'm glad I did. I love the city and all it has to offer, but I can love the city because I was raised to be sure of who I was and that I had a place where I belonged and could call home. It was the people in this little town that gave me the confidence to reach for the stars.
DeWitt, you are a huge part of me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Grandpa Pete
We all have so many reasons we are the people we are. The entire "nature" vs. "nurture" thing is still pondered by many groups. A most basic essence of who I am today is the result of one thing my paternal grandfather said in a letter to his grandchildren in 1957. Not even all of his grandchildren had been born yet; still he had the foresight to instruct his progeny with what he knew to be true - whether by virtue of life experience or by the DNA which he had no control over. He wrote this particular letter to all his grandchildren to be delivered to each of us upon our graduation from high school. He had been gone several years by the time I got my letter - yet every word is still seared in my memory. One part of it is worth sharing:
"It is not my intention to tell you how to live your life but only to impress upon you that if you make each day an investment in good living your dividends will accrue to you in accomplishments and satisfaction. In other words - don't waste your substance or your skills and life will be good to you".
So...this letter is part of where I came from and part of where I will go. I try to live my life according to his words of wisdom and attempt to make each day an investment in good living. It isn't always easy, but it is always something to strive for.
Finally, in my odyssey to track where I have been, who and what have been involved, and how this impacts where I am going, I lift my glass to Grandpa Pete. His influence on me was profound.
Thanks Grandpa.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound #1
A friend of mine named Carl decided to create a blog this year and center his theme around the things he has to be thankful for and the positive aspects of his life. I was very inspired by this and thought that the discipline of writing a blog would be something that would be beneficial for me and possibly interesting for others. I couldn't exactly decide what the general thread should be throughout my posts but I am beginning to wrap my thoughts around writing about the events and people in my life that have brought meaning to my life in the past and who is influencing me now and how that effects how I look at the future. The folk song, "I Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound" kind of sums up how I want to approach this set of entries.
"It's a long and a dusty road
It's a hot and a heavy load
And the folks that I meet ain't always kind
Some are bad, some are good,
Some have done the best they could
Some have tried to ease my troubling mind
And I can't help but wonder where I'm bound
Where I'm bound
And I can't help but wonder where I'm bound
I have wandered thru this land
Just a doing the best I can
Tryin to find what I was meant to do
And the people that I see look as worried as can be
And it looks like they are a wondering too"
So with that thought, I will see how long I can keep this up. So many of you have influenced me in so many ways that I won't run out of things to write about for some time. Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)